There are times when we feel "on edge," and we don't know why. We just can't put our finger on the reason we are not being ouselves. We try. Oh, do we try. Our analytical minds work overtime, but to no avail. Something is stirring within us that makes us restless. It finds us unable to be still; unable to truly rest; unable to just sit and do nothing.

So we run. We don't necessarily put on track shoes, and we don't necessarily sweat. But we do make sure that all of the minutes of our days are full. We fight to stay busy, because when we are still, we are scared. When we are all by ourselves we realize that we are having a hard time recognizing the face we see in the mirror. We have been with this person all our lives. We thought we knew ourselves inside and out. Now we are doing something we can't explain. We become scared; frightened. We are afraid that there is someone else inside us; a hostile takeover.

What we may not see is the fact that there might just be a hostile takeover.

For years now we have learned many things. We have learned how to act in a socially acceptable manner. We have learned facts like George Washington was America's first president, if you drop two objects they will fall at the same rate and other tidbits of information. We have learned about God. We may have even met God through the person of Jesus Christ and learned of His ways. In fact, we may have even prayed to God and asked Him to make us into the person that He wants us to be. If that's the case, then there is "somebody inside of us" and it is a "hostlie takeover" (albeit not so hostile).

Why this takeover? Why now? Well, deep within us lies things that our eyes have not beheld. Deep within our bodies there are cells and glands that we have never seen. They are constantly at work, and we never realize it. They keep us going. They keep us active. They keep us alive. Yet we have never seen them, and we rarely think about them. Still they go on, doing what they do, day in and day out.

Unfortunately they are not the only things inside of us that we have rarely noticed and have never seen. Deep within each of us is a virus. It is a virus more terrifying than cancer; more deadly than AIDS. It eats away at our very core. This virus is called...selfishness.

Selfishness, just like the glands and cells, is always at work- always moving. It threads itself into our everyday actions. It even threads itself into our good deeds; the things we do from a "good heart." Selfishness is not only the reason for every sin we commit, but it is also the motivation behind most of our righteousness. It plays such an enormously integral part in our lives and yet rarely gets the credit.

It could be that our uneasiness is nothing more than a loving God fighting the virus of selfishness that has caused us, and Him, years of illness. Not unlike the penicillin that eats away at the bacteria and germs of the flu (far out of sight from our eyes and from our understanding), our God wages a war deep within us to weed out this virus called selfishness.

Unfortunately, just as we are sometimes bedridden when we are taking penicillin and having it fight our battles, this war being fought over selfishness and pride can also leave us weary and almost unusable for a time.

Fortunately, though, healing is not far away. Our best advice can come from the actions of Jacob. When Jacob was wrestling with the angel, at first he did not know who or what had started beating the living dookie out of him. But then he turned the tables on his trial. Out of nowhere, Jacob took control, and instead of breaking free, he said, "I'm not letting go until you bless me." We can take a cue from Jacob and take a totally different view of our problem. We can grab our problem and say, "Hey, I don't want to be free until I learn all I'm supposed to learn from this." Our trial may or may not be over any faster, but it will surely be easier to endure with an attitude like Jacob's.

And as God work's inside of us in His mysterious ways, we may start to realize that we are at our wisest point when we realize that we know nothing; and we are at our most selfless point when we realize just how selfish we actually are.

copyright 1992 Dale Suffridge